Settling In

So now I'm moved and settling in - mostly just have the computer, closet and kitchen to go...Thank you to everyone who helped.

This was a pretty easy move and not as much of an ordeal as I was dreading it to be. There are no stairs in the new place and the doors were plenty big to get everything moved in without removing legs or doors or losing fingers. Gus and his friends helped - and then Gus helped with everything else. He's been around to do all the stuff that I have no idea about - like spending what seemed like three hours on the phone with the help people to get the internet working. I can't even measure the effect of all of his help and how bad things would have been if he wasn't there and wasn't kinds and loving and always trying to make my life easier.

Now that I have internet at home - for the fist time in a year! - I can start corresponding and checking out all the stuff that's blocked at work. This means that porn is no longer out of my reach! Speaking of which, I'm throwing the BOB out - with Gus in my life he never gets used anyway - and it was pain in the ass trying to pack him so that I could be sure he woudln't fall out of a box that someone was moving for me!

Still Pissed

I'm up in the middle of the night. I woke up at 4:30am on saturday - antsy about the move and couldn't go back to sleep. This was ok since I had some last minute grabbing of stuff and stuffing of stuff into boxes and stuff to get done. Also ran to the store to make sure my moving crew (thank you again!) had something to drink other than beer. Gatorade AM - not sure what makes it the AM since caffeine would defeat the whole purpose of Gatorade but whatever - it was yummy.

On my first night trying to get into my apartment my roommate locked Gus and I out. I had already expressed my dislike of living on the ground level, more specifically sleeping on the ground level. I live 9 blocks from my old place where I've woken up to gunshots twice. I've shot guns and rifles before and know the difference between the sound of a firework and a gunshot - but I digress. So completely locked out in both entrances on the first night and in a bikini - no shirt - Gus is forced to crawl in through my open bedroom window which is really easy and now at least two of my neighbours know that. Ya thanks.

My only consolation is that when I checked just know, there are fewer registered sex offenders in my new area than my previous one, where I was surrounded by them. Thank you, National Sex Offender Registry!

Hmm....I wonder what's up with facebook.

Farewell To My Apartment

This was the last weekend in my place in the cool part of the city. What makes it cool you ask? UGh - the list is endless, right down to having a great bagel shop and a blockbuster in my backyard and the smell of Indian food that is faint right outside my house. I live one block from one of the cooler bars in town and walking distance to three parks and a grocery store. I'm stumbling distance from many many places - including 3 concert venues. I live one block from the creek biking trail that runs through the whole city and finally a biking distance from Gus's house. I am sad.

My new place is pretty cool though and I take full credit for finding this diamond in the rough. I wasn't too interested in living in this part of town but I walked there on saturday from my old place and it only took 30 minutes - and at least I'll be a short cab ride from most places anyway. My roommate doesn't care too much about walking or biking to places so she's pretty happy. And I know my dog will be much happier with a bigger yard and one in the front as well.

So on saturday I started packing and I have a lot more packing to do. At night, Gus and I walked over to the bar for some pool and food - they have the best cheese sticks!

Anyone that wants to help me move is welcome - I will provide beer.

Most of the time, I waver between the glass is half full or half empty. I'm generally a happy person, especially now that I've found someone like Gus to share my time with, but sometimes trip over how the world sucks for so many of the starving, poor, sick...........

In the past couple of weeks, I've been more glass is half empty, and it has dog hair in it.

In the last week, I've been the glass is half empty, and I just want to drink whatever straight hard liquor is in it, then break it so that I have something to cut myself with.......Wait, first I'd use it to cut this woman named Jackie who is messing with the person I'm head over heels in love with.

I'm ok - really - just feeling dramatic.

Tale of a WOW Widow

I am a WOW Widow. Except in my case I think it was Starcraft - but it really doesn't make any fucking difference. Why am I so paranoid about things going wrong now that they're going great? I spent Tuesday at work reading WOW widow support chat rooms - big mistake.

Years ago, before I met the man I'm head over now, I went head over for another man, who I will call....hmmmmm.....what was his character name.......we'll call him Moose. We hit it off right away. Moose was the guy that would say "let's go outside and throw a Frisbee around" when we were all watching sitcom reruns like zombies. He had a tight rope outside his apt and was good at walking it - all kinds of weird skills and interests. He swept me off my feet and showed me that unlike some of my ex's, there is a right way to treat a women. That asking your gf to get out of bed in the middle of the night to get YOU a glass of water is not what every guy does and that guys should get the fuck up when you're carrying bags and help you with them.

We got intense too fast, and I moved to NC for him after having spent only 3 weeks total with him. I got massages all the time, and food cooked for me, and did fun things. We hated NC but we had so much fun that it didn't matter because we could always find a way to have fun, and have stuff to talk about and even though he didn't have a job he was still the most interesting, fascinating person I had met.

Fast forward one year. Still no job but swears he'll get one when we move to OR. NC was a tough job market anyway. We move to OR and he doesn't get a job. Months later there are days that go by that he doesn't talk to me all day, even though we're in the same apt because he's attached to the keyboard. I start sleeping alone to the sound of keyboard and mouse clicking and when I get home from grad school in the morning he's still in bed and doesn't even give a shit about being on the same sleep schedule as me.

I start starting fights just to get attention. I start crying by myself with a box of wine and I know he can hear me but thinks I did it to myself. He tells me he's going through a phase. He tells me if he didn't have me he'd hit rock bottom. He tells me that he doesn't know why he doesn't feel in love and doesn't know if he can ever feel that way again - after Gina. Whatever.

I call BS.

I ask, "If I knew how you felt and what was in your head, would I want to break up with you?" - I get a "no".

In retrospect, this is the only thing he was really dishonest about, and I think it was more of just not understanding me and the passionate love that I want in a partner. And I should have known it wasn't just a phase. You don't play Starcraft for a year if you don't have a problem, and if you love your girlfriend. But I couldn't believe that we couldn't go back to the way things were when we started out - and I dragged it out too long.

I don't know how many times I cried alone. Now that I know better I'm going to the extremes and looking for any sign of making the same mistake twice. I'm deathly afraid of complacency.

If you are a WOW widow, get out. If you know a WOW widow, tell them to get out. It's not a phase. The game NEVER ENDS.

What a great Week!

Saturday:
We go to the public pool. It's fun enough. On the way home after stopping for some beer I wiped out, and I mean wiped out. Not fell and scratched my knee, I fell up the stairs, tore a bunch of skin off my shin, bloodied my big toe and broke the toe nail, cramped up my foot which still hurts, and almost rolled off the stairs into the weeds. I was sober as a supreme court judge and haven't ate it like that in a loooooong time. My allergies are driving me nuts - never had any before this year.

Sunday:
Not too bad - went to the beach, floated on floaties and drank a cocktail and then to the rents' for some delish bbq. My allergies are driving me nuts - and making me pretty miserable.

Monday:
Woke up in sooo much pain. Despite sunscreening, was sun burnt and my abs mysteriously hurt every time I move using my core. Sooooo much pain! Car dies on the way to Gus's house - first time my car has ever just died and left me stranded. It couldn't do it in a luckier place though, I had a parking spot to pull into and didn't have to pay to have it towed. Towing sucks. Allergies are driving me nuts.

Tuesday:
Get a ride to work, am here late - walk into a total mess. Allergies are driving me nuts.

Wednesday:
Should have been a great day but yours truly drank too much and got way too emotional. I'm at the phase in a relationship where everything is perfect and I want it to stay that way and I'm deathly afraid that it won't. I'm afraid that all the great things Gus does will fade away into the complacent relationship place that some people end up in, and wake up 30 years later having dinner across from each other and nothing to talk about or nothing nice to say. I can't handle things going this well - how crazy is that? Allergies are driving me nuts.

Thursday:
Wake up totally hung over and totally guilty. The night before is completely fuzzy and I know I was pissed and a totally bitch to some one who doesn't deserve it. I ask the boss if I can leave early and I finally catch a break and get off early. Woohooo! And then while I'm at Gus's house making up with him we get a letter from his whorebitchlandlord who is trying to milk him and his roomie for money already - and it's only the second month there!!!!!! she's a totally BITCH! I can't stand it when people mess with people I care about! UGH! I shouldn't have children and a gun - one or the other maybe, but not both. Allergies are driving me nuts.

Friday:
Finally wake up in a good mood, with Gus holding me and bish being cute and the weekend coming up! Then bish broke my full length mirror. Does that mean there's seven years of bad luck to follow this week of bad luck and bitchiness??????????? I hope not.

My allergies are driving me nuts.