When is Big, too Big?

In the last hour of work, huddled behind the hiding wall in the cafeteria, a Carrie in my life confesses to me with a guilty face and sad eyes that she let her Big back in her life and that he screwed her over yet again. "When did this happen?" and I realize it's been too long since I really talked to my beautiful friend. And I wish I had been there for her...again.

What makes women do this; otherwise rational, intelligent, and strong women? Sometimes even men. I've known male Carries - Aidens. What makes anyone do this. I think back to about half a year ago, when I answered the phone to a drunk, uncontrollably sobbing Carrie, drunk early on a saturday afternoon. After a month of staying away, she met him for morning cocktails. All moving-on progress, down the drain. I spend an hour on the phone with her, convinced I didn't say anything worthwile, but happy that she seemed greatful and "helped" anyway. I remember thinking, holy fuck, I hope I'm never there again. I've had a Big, I've had two Bigs and I'm over it. I don't need to feel that again. Ya, ya, it takes bad times to appreciate the good times, but I've had enough. I remember like it was yesterday: long days of feeling dead inside, long nights of restless sleep, and thinking that you will never feel okay again.

"I can't talk to anyone about it. You're the only person I can talk to. **** won't let me talk anymore - she says I'm stupid".

"OMG, I say, this is sooooooo like when Carrie had to sneak from her friends to see Big again" and I laugh. Happy that I get a laugh out of her too.

"ya! And then she told Samantha" but I'm no Samantha. "I'm stupid right? Please tell me I'm stupid! I'm not learning, I don't think I'm ever going to learn!"

No, you're not stupid. And I'm not judging. I know what it feels like. When someone will never give you exactly what you need, but just enough to keep you hopeful. Or they'll give you what you need, but only some of the time, leaving you hungry the rest. Or they'll give you what you need, but they'll also give the same thing to someone else at the same time. Whatever the method of gut wrenching torture, no, you're not stupid.

And then I gave her, what might be the worst or best advice I've ever given anyone. "Who cares? Don't learn. If it feels good, keep doing it. If it's worth it, keep doing it. If when it's good it outweighs when it's bad, then who cares what people think?" I don't know if I believe it as it's coming out of my mouth, but maybe there's some truth to it.

I don't ever want to be there again, but that's a personal choice. And I know I've been a fool for lesser things - haven't you? So why not?