l-o-v-e

Six failed long term (yes, over one year) relationships, and I'm 27, and I'm told I don't know what I want?
I know I want love. I know some things about love...for me.

They say your first one is always the best and will never feel the same. How depressing is that? Why bother going on living if the rest of your life will be a quiet sad struggle to achieve some previous high? What they should really say is that you never love the same way twice. And hopefully each time you will love smarter.

I know that love should never make you feel fat, but maybe a bit inadequate. If the person you're with doesn't inspire you to want to be a better person in any way, then you don't care enough and you should do them a favor and leave them alone. Some one else will feel the awe towards them that they deserve.

Love should be full of little things. If it is, then the big ones will take care of themselves.

Love should be both predictable and surprising. Predictable on the big issues, surprising on the little ones. If the big ones aren't eye to eye, then you don't even know each other.

Love should never make you feel desperate. Despair and passion are not the same thing. It is possible (I did not know this for the longest time) to be passionate without the fear that something going to snatch your happiness away at any moment. If you can't ask the other person "what's up?" then you're not close enough, or too scared of the answer.

Love should be full of new memories. You can't build a story with a happy ending out of nothing.

Love should be inspirational. He can't fall on the gravel driveway weeping when you say you're leaving for good, but not be able to quit smoking so that he can be around for you when you're old and need him most. Then he doesn't love you, you're just another cigarette.

Love should be stretch mark free. If something isn't perfect about your body, love will pretend not to notice even if it does, because everything else is so much more important.

Love shouldn't approach moral decisions with a "what can I get away with?" attitude. It should approach them with "what is best for us" attitude, "what can I do to make this awesome person's life better today?".

Love should make things feel easier. Like getting up in the morning, going to work, going to the gym, and smiling.

Love should want to be with you and hold your hand. It doesn't want to go to Vegas alone because "that would be more fun".

Love is NOT never having to say you're sorry. When things are so close and so deep to the heart, sometimes you can't need to hear, or say sorry, more.

Love should get better as time goes on. Maybe the initial excitement goes away, but the memory of it and devotion built should carry it on to more powerful feelings.

Love shouldn't care about spilled wine, wrinkles, or dirt on the dashboard.

Love should feel a bit like falling. Even if it's the startling type of falling that wakes you up in the middle of the night to try to find out if you're alive. Because the term wasn't coined by foreigners who don't know what the "f-alling" word is and there should be no stoppers.

Even if you think that what you need is written in Braille on your tender parts, if love doesn't have soft enough fingers to find out what it is at the beginning then he never will.

Real love feels like the porch light is always on.

Six failed relationships? At least I have learned what I learned. And I know what I want, the package it will come in is less clear.