Clocks

I have to thank my roommate for introducing me to the wonderful world of soothing alarm clock sounds. This morning instead of being jerked awake by the sound of the Germans invading (because you know, they're always after me) I woke up to the sound of wind chimes. It was so nice. My previous alarm clock, although effective, drove me nuts. Even if I was already in the bathroom and had forgotten to turn it off rather than snooze it, the sound of it coming on was enough for me to want to jab my mascara brush in my eye to make the sound stop.

Now on to the biological kind. I work with 4 pregnant chicks. Two of them are within 15 feet of me and I think they're secreting some kind of freak-out fermone. That combined with how I spent my day yesterday has got me thoroughly freaked out. Gus and I helped a young couple move into a gigantic house for their family of 3, soon to be 4 - in 20 days or so. Another girl was 7 months pregnant and hanging out while her boyfriend helped and another had an almost two year old, and another friend of theirs had a baby on the way. These, including the women at work, are mostly girls younger than me. Way younger.

Freak out!!!

I'm torn. On the one hand I feel like I need to know what I want to do. Most of my gut instinct tells me I don't want children and that I'll be happier without them in life. But hanging out with happy expectant people with houses that overlook the mountains where they'll all cuddle around Elmo on TV on wintery days and turn on the fireplace made me wonder if I want a family. Whatever. I have about 6 years to procreate without putting my offspring in additional risk and I have no idea what to do.

Why is this a big deal today? Because it's a huge life choice. I think that people who really want children, will not feel fulfilled in life unless they have them. People that don't want children, may feel burdened and like they sold themselves short on freedom. Being that I would never want to be a single mother I feel I owe it to potential life partners to be able to tell them what I want so that they can either say "hey, that's what I want too!" or "I need to find the person that will give me what I want, since you won't". In other words, have a disclaimer. Ugh. And, it takes time to find a mate, or unmate as the case may be. Also, I'm scared that I'll realize too late in life that I want children and regret it for the rest of my life.

On the other hand, why do I have to know this now? It's a long walk back to Eden so why sweat it? Right? I can only live one day at a time and if the bio alarm goes off eventually then I can pop one out if it's not too late right? And anyone that's with me and knows that I'm an "unknown", has gone into that situation with eyes open right? Ugh either way.

Luckily, after keeping Gus up freaking out about this I can see that he loves me for me; Not for my future ability or inability to give him offspring, and he's willing to cross those bridges as they come if we get to them. This and a million other things are what make him so darn swell - and now I'm smiling.