Falling

It's a very fall day in D town....it's cool, and overcast and a good day for reflecting. I should be relishing having the place to myself (roomie is out of town) but I'm sick, and I'm tired and I miss my old apartment and my seat overlooking an action packed intersection while I type - it felt very SATC and I fucking miss it. And soon I will miss the summer too.

I can't remember how it came up but some not so fun events in my past have come into my emotional spotlight in the past couple of days, all dealing with a certain ex and leaving me feeling "what the f#$% was I thinking?".

Seriously.

I was with this guy, we'll call him C - for 3 years. In the end I left him but I don't know why I didn't do it sooner. He was troubled in his own way, and I was at the time and somehow we bonded over our troubles. But how much bonding does a relationship make?

I was taken back to the night when I woke up with a sharp pain by my right hip. Mother, as all mom's are wonderful, has been asking me my whole life where it hurts and making sure it's not a burst appendix. So I think, OMG my appendix burst? I'm soo going to die. I wake up next to C and tell him I'm in pain and that it's weird and I don't know what to do. I can't remember if he says anything or offers anything. The pain is so bad I can't fall back asleep and it's approximately 3am. I wake him up again and tell him I'm going to the hospital and he says "OK" and goes back to bed.

So I drive myself to the emergency room while my boyfriend is cozy in bed. Should have been a wake up call, no pun intended, but like a kicked dog I went back for more.

It was an ovarian cyst that was quite common but abnormally large and the pain was gone on it's own by the next day. When I told C all about it, he said "I didn't REALLY think you were going to the hospital"....wtf?

I remember one of the moments when I knew for sure it was wrong to be with him. I woke up finding that I had had a visit from the evil bloody beast overnight, which usually doesn't happen and bled all over C's mattress. He was already at work. I did my best to try to dilute the stain but there's really not much you can do. When I talked to him later and mentioned it he was sooo annoyed. I didn't get any "I'm sorry you had to deal with that in the morning, before classes" or anything, just annoyance and disgust.

Disgust? This is the cross we all fucking carry as women so the population can go on! Grow up!

In the end, after he had broken my heart over and over and then begged me to take him back I left him at the eleventh hour. Why did I take so much shit? I don't know. Maybe it was the fact that I came out of an abusive relationship before and I didn't know guys were supposed to be nice to you. Maybe it's my weird mix of way high and way low self esteem - and I never know which one I'm going to get. Who knows.

In the end, we spoke recently. He says I broke his heart. He says he had to drink and casual fuck his way out of the heartbreak. I've never told him how much he hurt me when we were together, and I feel like it's my fault more than anything. I mean, if I broke his heart, then he must have loved me somehow. Maybe more than the abusive dog owner misses the cowering dog he no longer has to kick around. So why did he treat me this way? Maybe just cuz I let him. He is a good person, but I think he had no clue and I didn't give him one. I didn't tell him what he was doing was wrong and I didn't ask for more.

And I didn't get more. Should I tell him? I don't think so. But should I?