No Thanks, Rosie Perez!

Life is good! Today is a beautiful day in this city………Sun is out, leaves are turning beautiful amber and scarlet colors, the weather is a perfect 70something……I had a great night last night……..and America’s Next Top Model (my guilty cheesy pleasure) is on tonight. I don’t have a favorite yet, but there is a really crazy psycho-bitch already, and I love me a good psycho-bitch!!!!! There are some cuties though. But Tyra stinks. She’s a horse. A big inane, self absorbed, horse. But thanks for the show, Tyra!!!!!!

This is quite the change from the mood I’ve been in lately. The "I don’t want to do anything but drink because I can’t stop thinking about how I’m going to be a crazy cat lady when I’m old" mood. Why so down lately? Let’s see…..I just broke up with the best boyfriend I’ve ever had.

Yes, I did the breaking up. Why you ask?
Thanks for asking!!!!!!!!
Was it because he’s not handsome????
Oh no, he was plenty handsome, our kids could be super models too if they got his build and fine Scandinavian features.
Was it because he didn’t treat you well?????
I have not asked for anything twice…..and haven’t even had to ask for some things!!!!! so no!
Was it because he’s gassy???? Cuz that stinks!
Never once farted around me. Thanks!!!!!
Was it because he’s not going anywhere??????
Actually, first boyfriend with a job and talent – a good job with a future, and just bought his own place, actually, broke up with him the night we were celebrating closing!!!! I must be fcuking insane!!!!!
Was it because sometimes he binge drinks and acts does assy things and you have to sweetly take care of him?????
Whoops! That’s me!
Was it because he wouldn’t make a good father?
Nope – Probably be a great father, and knows all kinds of things to teach a kid, like changing oil, how to handle a gun, how to grow basil………….
Was it because he’s a wuss?
Nope – I’ve seen him rescue his grandfather in currents, and seen him ready to take on a bunch of drunken punks that might have wanted to kick my ass.
Confused yet? Why??????!!!!

Because I love him but I’m not in love with him. I love the perfect guy, but I’m not in love with the perfect guy.

In the hopes that some time this entry might help some one who is confused…..I will now rant on and on and on. Also, because it makes me feel better!
We’ve been together for almost a year and a half, and I understand that at that stage, a lot of those "in love" feelings start to fade, and if you’ve chosen wisely a strong bonding love remains. But I don’t remember ever feeling that way. We had sort of a lukewarm start, but we liked each other, made each other happy……blah, blah, blah. But I don’t remember ever telling a friend "I think I’m in love", "I’m falling in love", or "I’m so in love!"……..I did say a lot of "He’s great, he makes me so happy". So over all, there is something missing. When I started freaking out, after the "M" word was dropped hypothetically, and not in a joking sense because we joked about it all the time……..I realized that I’m missing a feeling I’ve had in the past. I don’t feel like he gets me completely. I don’t feel completely gotten. Do you know what I mean????

It’s really pathetic, but I actually googled the phrase "How do you know when you’re in love?" and read everything I could. Even though I know I’ve been in love before. With not perfect guys of course. Selfish guys, guys with no jobs. Of course. I just needed to be reminded. Guess what? It actually helped? I read about how you just know it, and feel it all over. You feel like that person was made for you, built especially for you, and they push your right buttons, and you feel gotten. I’ve actually said the phrase "I just don’t feel like you get me" to him. I’ve never said that to another boyfriend. With others, as wrong as they were for me, I at least felt gotten.
So what to do? I broke up with him. We’re going to be friends….and we need to think.

What do I want?
I want my heart to jump a little when he walks in the room. I want him to challenge me in life. And not that bad kind of challenge, I’m too old for head games and I don’t need a hard to get chase. I want him to make me do new things that I like and that make me feel like I’m living my life to my fullest potential and learning. I want him to ask me a question that I DON’T know the answer to when we’re rolling around in sheets that smell like s3x on a Sunday morning, and then talk to me until we figure out the answer together. I want to look at him across the table at dinner and want to jump his bones, now, tomorrow, yesterday, and 30 years from now. I want him to feel the same. I want him to have the same goals of travelling and exploring the world together and placing experiences and love above material possessions. I want him to make me feel like the most important person in the room, and in the building, all the time, and allow me to do the same for him. I don’t want him to say ''Gloria. I, too know what it feels like to be thirsty. I too.have had a dry mouth.'', I want him to get me a glass of effing water (no thanks Rosie Perez) In other words, I want it ALL!!!!!

How do you know you’re in love? That’s fcuking how!!!!!!

Am I asking for too much? Maybe. Do people compromise? Of course……

But I’m not going to give up. I don’t even like cats that much anyway…well, I do when they’re kittens and I wish they’d stay that cute! But I’ve been wondering if I’ll end up old and alone for the past few weeks, and today is the first day that I feel it in my blood, and my heart, and in the tears I’ve cried into my sweatshirt! I will have it ALL!!!!!!!!
Not today, but some time tomorrow. He may not be perfect but he’ll be right for me, and we will be in love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry for all the punctuation.....I just can't help myself today!!!!!!!!!!